TOUT 3
POUR CEUX QUI NE L'AURAIENT PAS REMARQUE, TOUS MES ENVOIS SONT DES HOA (Humour à
Orthographe Aléatoire)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Vous vous rappelez les proverbes de la boule:
> "Le tampax les regles restent"
> "L'homme qui a invente les boules quies devait bien connaitre
> les femmes ... "
-On fait pas d`omelettes sans casquer le prix des oeufs
-Qd le vin s'est tire y'a plus rien a boire
-Une femme femme de perdu dix de retrouves , helas ...
3 noirs ont ete condannes a la peine de mort en 1950 au texas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
le jour de venu les trois sont places dans l'antichambre de la mort
l'ambiance aidant ils bavardent un peu
- et toi pourquoi tu a ete condanne ?
- bah , j'traversai la rue , et une voiture m'a faucher ,
j'ai eclater le parbrrise et j'ai atterri a cote
du conducteur :
on m'a condanne pour violation de dommicile avec effraction
et toi?
- moi c'est quazi pareil , je traversais la rue , j'ai ete fauche ,
j'ai eclater le parebrise , mais le mec roulais tellement vite,
que j'ai eclater le second et j'ai atterri derriere :
on m'a condanner pour violation de domicile avec effraction et
delit de fuite ,
et toi , dit -il s'adressant au dernier ,
- u peu dans le meme genre pour moi aussi , mais avant d'eclater le second
parebrise , le mec m'a planter un couteua dans le ventre :
resultat : violation de domicile avec effraction , delit de fuite ,
et port d'arme illegal ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
: and drive?
: Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
: Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
: Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
: Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
: Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
: Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
: How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
: If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
: the doors?
: If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
: If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
: If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
: turn on the headlights?
: You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
: package says, "Open somewhere else"?
: Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
: Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
: Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
: shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
: You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
: why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
: Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
: turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do people look at the door when the're in an elevator?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Une jeune femme, juste apres son premier rapport sexuel, devant son partenaire,
fait la priere suivante :
" Sainte Marie, mere de Dieu, vous qui avez concu sans pecher, faites que j'ai
peche sans concevoir."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
N'oublions pas que le sage a dit: "on ne frappe pas une femme, meme avec une
rose:
les bambous poussent pour ca"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade
through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul-
tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-
gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be-
fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-
beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-
out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec-
tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup-
posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu-
tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came
down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him
any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a sadistic Dentist who rides a motorcycle and wears
a black leather jacket?
A: The Leader of the Plaque
Q: Why didn't they tell jokes in Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LIVE NOW THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME TO BE DEAD LATER
ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL,
BUT SOME MUST BE SENT TO SIBERIA.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is
the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband quickly
answered, "Election day."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After spending an evening of rather intense drinking at the
local pub, a man ventured out into the cold rainy night to go home.
No sooner than he had left the pub, he sipped off the road and got
lost in torents of rain. He soon found himself in a graveyard and as
luck would have it, he fell head-long into a freshly dug grave.
In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much and he could not
free himself from the grave. So, he started to yell,"HELP, I'M COLD...
HELP! I'M COLD".
Soon an other over indulged inebrient left the pub for his own
home. As the second man started off he heard a distant "help, i'm cold"
and began to follow it. Soon, it got louder,"Help! I'm Cold, Help! I'm Cold"
And as he neared the cemetary the voice got ever louder,"HELP!, I'm Cold."
Just as the second man nears the grave and peers over the side the First
looks up and yells, "HELP!! I'M COLD!"
The second man replies, "Of course your cold, you've kicked all
your dirt off."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a chair and a toothbrush?
You can't brush your teeth with a chair.
What's the difference between a fish and a bicycle?
They can both swim, except for the bicycle.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What would you call Santa's son if he became an elf?
A subordinate Claus.
What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A dependent Claus.
Santa noticed that the elves weren't working as hard this year as last so
he told them that the elf who made the most toys could have his beautiful
daughter for one night. What did the elves call his daughter after that?An
incentive Claus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I can't believe you are the result of millions of years of evolution.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After
a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes
out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage
to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines.
But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near
the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man
walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:
"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"
The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down
again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:
"You're in a balloon!"
The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment,
one balloonist says to the other:
"That man must be a manager."
"Why?"
"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer.
Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer
was perfectly useless!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;
CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING
ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)
ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the guys
gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" says the clerk.
The guy gets a kind of a blank stare and scratches his head. "Wait a minute,"
he says, "I'll go check."
He goes out to the truck. The window gets rolled down, and there's an animated
conversation. Finally the guy comes back in.
"Yeah," he says, "I meant two-by-fours."
"OK," says the clerk, "how long you want 'em?"
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh . . . I guess I better go check," he
says.
He goes out to the truck, again. There's another animated conversation.
The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a
house".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling up
and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came upon one student
who was flipping a coin, then writing.
Teacher: What are you doing?
Student: Getting the answers to the test.
The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when everyone
was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the student was again flipping
the coin.
Teacher: Now what are you doing?
Student: I'm checking the answers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the days of the knights, a midget told his king that he, too, wanted
to be a knight. Too small, said the king. But the determined midget went
about the kingdom, catching highwaymen and rescuing maidens, until the news
got back to the king. "All right," said the king. "I dub thee knight."
Special miniature armor was hammered out for him. A galley knife was honed
into a sword. But no horse little enough was found. So the king substituted
a large shaggy dog. And the midget went forth again to do good. A terrible
rainstorm came up. The midget rode to a nearby inn. But the innkeeper said
there was no more room. The midget pointed out how little space he'd take
up. The innkeeper looked him over, and his mount, too, both soaked to the
skin, and finally said, "Come on in. We'll find a spot for you. I couldn't
send a knight out on a dog like this."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Groucho Marx:
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race" --Bowie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Boosted form Reader's digest years ago -
A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a
local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling
with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually
agreeable price far below that which was posted. My friend then took out
his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper
exclaimed "Ay, now therrres a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open
it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From the San Jose Mercury News, Sunday 14 July 1985, page 23A, referring
to arson investigations:
On highly publicized cases, it's not unusual for tips to arrive from all
over the country. "People call in and tell us about one individual they
don't like. They say, 'He's the type who could have done it.' A couple
hundred of those and you're chasing people all over the country," Bressler said.
In one case, he was flooded with calls from "people back in the Midwest
who knew people in California who were really weird."
It wasn't the kind of tip that led anywhere, he said. "Almost all of
California's
really weird compared to the Midwest."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
*******************************************************************
A man doesn't become a failure until he is satisfied with being one.
*******************************************************************
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
*******************************************************************
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep
is not necessary to human life.
*******************************************************************
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
*******************************************************************
There would be a lot more work done if we weren't living in such a clock-eyed
world.
*******************************************************************
One of the most common mistakes is to believe that others know more about
the problem than you do.
*******************************************************************
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything
to do with it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Fred Society has a little triangle out with "Fred in Car".
What's the Fred Society?
It's a membership of people named Fred and their friends who promote the
positive image of people named Fred. Serious - it really exists!
The Fred Society
P.O. Box 5115
Garden Grove, Ca 92645
(714) 540-2458
----------------------------------------------------------------
Saw this a while back:
IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE
(after taking a look at the driver, I gave all my money to charity....)
------------------------------------------------------------
A deaf guy steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when
a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Joe". Being
deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Joe runs up thinking
the deaf guy is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground,
kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Joe has hit the
ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the deaf guy gets up brushes
himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. The deaf guy then
hits a bueatiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Joe
in the back of the head, and knocking him unconcious. The deaf guy then walks
down the fairway rolls big Joe over and goes (This is the visual part please
hold four fingers in front of your face).
-----------------------------------------------------------
--
Henry Cate III
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
--------------------------
MCDONALD'S STATUE GOES UP IN FLAMES
San Jose Mercury News - Wednesday June 19, 1991
PHOENIX - The kidnapping of a life-size Ronald
McDonald statue came to an unhappy end, with the
clown left burning in the desert.
The 300-pound statue, stolen Sunday from a
McDonald's in Mesa, was found in flames by a
sheriff's helicopter crew that night.
In a phone call claiming responsibility, a man
said the robbery was an attempt to get McDonald's
to offer better food for vegetarians.
--------------------------
IDEAL HOME FOR NUCLEAR FAMILY? YIZZ
LONDON, REUTER - CASH-STRAPPED BRITAIN PLANS TO SELL OFF
NUCLEAR BUNKERS BUILT DURING THE COLD WAR ERA TO SAVE THE
COUNTRY'S TOP BRASS FROM ATOMIC ANNIHILATION, THE INDEPENDENT
NEWSPAPER SAID ON THURSDAY.
THE ESTIMATED 20 OR SO UNDERGROUND BUNKERS, WHICH COME
EQUIPPED WITH FOOD SUPPLIES AND CHEMICAL LAVATORIES, ARE NO
LONGER CONSIDERED NECESSARY FOR CIVIL DEFENCE FOLLOWING THE END
OF THE COLD WAR, THE NEWSPAPER SAID.
"THE INFORMATION IS STILL CLASSIFIED, THOUGH OBVIOUSLY WHEN
WE COME TO DISPOSE OF THEM WE WILL TELL PEOPLE HOW MANY THERE
ARE AND WHERE," IT QUOTED A HOME OFFICE SPOKESWOMAN AS SAYING.
19-NOV-0346. HHK761 HA10570 NEVL
--------------------------
Car Break-in Ring Cracked
By Tom Alex - Register Staff Writer
{Des Moines (Iowa) Register, Friday, October 9, 1992, page 1M}
Des Moines police this week broke a sophisticated youth theft ring
that was using license plate numbers and state records to locate
cars for late-night break-ins. The youths would spot cars with
expensive stereo gear in parking lots during the day and then use
Iowa Department of Transportation computer records to determine
where cars would be parked at night. With the license plate numbers,
the teen-ager went to an Iowa Department of Transportation office
at Park Fair Mall and used public access computers to learn the home
addresses of the owners of the vehicles. He and his cohorts didn't
want to break into the vehicles when there were a lot of potential
witnesses around, police said, so they found addresses from
registration information and visited the victims at their leisure.
Security problems with public access computers cropped up last year
shortly after the computer terminals were installed, said Jan Hardy,
assistant office director with vehicle registration. A case worked
in the juvenile system reported having a client who had been using
the terminals for illegal activities. Sortly afterward, officials
developed a security system to help curtail illegal acts. People
wishing to look up license plate numbers must identify themselves to
the computer. "If they use the front counter terminal and sign on
themselves, that does provide at least some tracking of inquires,"
said Hardy.
--------------------------
Supergun
-- Business Week Oct 12, 1992
Essentially a giant BB gun, the prototype Super High altitude Research
Project (SHARP) launcher is being assembled in the hills east of
California's Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, which has spent
three years and $4 million developing it. The first SHARP gun will shoot
an 11 lb. projectile into a mound of sand at 9,000 mph. Instead of
gunpowder, the "bullet" will be propelled by hydrogen gas that is
compressed by a 1-ton piston in a 270 foot long, 14 inch diameter
barrel and blow the projectile out. If this test goes well, John
Hunter, the Livermore physicist who heads SHARP, hopes to build
bigger guns that eventually launch 7-ton payloads into orbit. Hunter
figures such a device could deliver payloads for $500 per kilogram, vs.
$20,000 per kilogram using the space shuttle.
--------------------------
AP 10/31 00:26 EST V0799
Copyright 1992. The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) -- An ABC "20-20" crew is in trouble for dropping a taco
in a marked bag from an airplane to test the government's anti-drug efforts,
U.S. Customs officials said.
Donald Shruhan, Customs special agent in charge in Tucson, said the U.S.
attorney's office will determine whether to prosecute reporter Tom Jarriel and
the crew for smuggling.
"They jettisoned a package of Mexican foodstuffs," Shruhan said Friday.
The ABC crew got in trouble Thursday after several people reported seeing a
Cessna 182 single-engine plane buzzing a ranch near the tiny border town of
Sasabe, Shruhan said.
The crew was testing the airborne and ground-based radar the government
uses to detect drug smugglers, who often fly low over the border and drop
packages of drugs that are retrieved by their associates.
After the sighting, a Customs plane followed Jarriel's aircraft and a
Customs helicopter trailed the network van used to retrieve the taco, which
was wrapped in an lightweight ABC News pouch, said Scott Eshelman, assistant
branch chief for Customs' aviation operations branch in Tucson.
Eshelman called ABC's simulated drug drop "a waste of time and a waste of
taxpayers' money."
Jarriel was advised the crew had broken several federal laws, including
discharging merchandise without reporting it to Customs, Eshelman said. No
arrests were made.
Jarriel was unavailable for comment at ABC headquarters in New York.
Network spokeswoman Lucy Kraus said the crew had filed a proper flight plan
with the Federal Aviation Administration and declined further comment.
--------------------------
RED-FACED POLITICIANS - "ADVANCE AUSTRALIA ERMMM" YJEO
SYDNEY, REUTER - AUSTRALIA'S RIGHT-WING COALITION
OPPOSITION, WHICH SAID THIS WEEK NEW CITIZENS SHOULD BE TESTED
ON THE COUNTRY'S NATIONAL ANTHEM, WAS RED-FACED ON FRIDAY WHEN
ITS LEADERS WERE LOST FOR WORDS AFTER THE FIRST VERSE.
JOHN HEWSON, LEADER OF THE LIBERAL PARTY, HALTINGLY
COMPLETED THE FIRST VERSE OF "ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR" WITH SOME
PROMPTING DURING A TELEVISION INTERVIEW.
NATIONAL PARTY LEADER TIM FISCHER SAILED THROUGH THE FIRST
VERSE BUT CONFESSED IN A FRIDAY RADIO INTERVIEW THAT HE COULD
NOT REMEMBER ANY OF THE SECOND VERSE.
--------------------------
From cgtransition@rock.little.ar.us Thu Nov 12 09:12:46 1992
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Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 09:15:10 EST
Subject: TRANSITION NOTES #76
12 Nov 92
CONFIDENTIAL -- For team eyes only
We have completed discussions with our prime candidate for
Director of the FBI and will make the name public shortly.
Al asked him explicitly about his technology concerns and how
the new admin can help. [Director] said he was concerned about
the so-called digital telephony proposal which, he says, must be
passed if the FBI is to continue the same level of service to
the American people. Al said he could help out in Congress.
[Director] said that is not enough. Currently there is one FBI
agent for every 12,200 Americans, which means that most phone
calls cannot be monitored even if FBI wanted to. He proposed
hiring 100,000,000 new agents so that one can be assigned full
time to listen to each American telephone line. He suggested
this could be the massive jobs program that Bill has been
looking for -- it would virtually eliminate unemployment in the
country and go well beyond his promise to the American people.
He said that Bill could be known as the most listening
president the country has ever known. Al said the idea was
intriguing and he would discuss it with Bill.
W.C.
--------------------------
* Amount the Department of Defense wil spend on softballs this year:
$1,000,000.
* Percentage of Iowans who say they would like having Madonna for a
neighbor "a lot": 8.
* Average annual salary Zabar's delicatessen in New York City pays
lox slicers with at least 10 years' experience: $60,000.
* Chances that a defendant tried in a criminal case in Japan will
be found guilty: 99 in 100.
* Breasts bared on a Canadian border bridge last July to celebrate
New York State's legalization of topless sunbathing: 40.
* Amount of candy corn produced in the United States each year,
expressed in ears: 2,250,000.
* Ratio of the number of times President Bush has had his hair cut
this year to the number of times Bill Clinton has: 2:1.
* Estimated cost of a complete set of the 200 human body parts now
available in artificial form: $25,000,000.
* Number of the 20 U.S. communities applying to host nuclear-waste
dumpsites that are Indian reservations: 16.
* Amount spent to operate the U.S. prison system last year, per
prisoner: $20,296.
* Amount spent on welfare last year, per benefits recipient: $1,620.
* Percentage of Americans in their 20's who say that corruption is
"an important factor in getting ahead": 37.
Excerpted from an excerpt of Harper's Index in Funny Times
--------------------------
DEARBORN, Mich., Nov. 6 (AP) -- A corporal on this city's police force
has been suspended and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation
because he writes the number seven with a horizontal line through the
downstroke.
The 42-year-old officer, Brian Yinger, says he tried to break the habit
when he was ordered to do so six months ago. But he forgot while
writing some reports and as a result was taken before a Police
Department disciplinary board.
'The way he was writing them was confusing for the typist,' the Police
Chief, Robert Deziel, said. 'He defied the order to stop. He was told
he would face disciplinary action.'
The board suspended Corporal Yinger without pay for three days and
ordered him to undergo psychiatric evaluation, scheduled for today, to
determine whether the old sevens were out of his system.
Many people write the number seven with a line through the downstroke
as a way of clearly differentiating it from the number one. The
practice is particularly common in Europe.
It is also common for Corporal Yinger, who, after serving his
suspension, returned to work on Thursday. 'I have been making these
sevens for 30 years,' he said. 'I've never had a problem before.'
Corporal Yinger said he had acquired the habit in the seventh grade
[sic] and had continued writing the objectionable seven during his
years in the Navy and the Naval Reserve and for more than 15 years on
the Dearborn police force.
Because he fears that his punishment will hurt his career and cost him
a promotion to sergeant, he has appealed to the city's Civil Service
Commission to have the disciplinary board's action overturned. If he
loses there, he says, he will take the matter to a state arbitrator.
The dispute could end up costing the city nearly $4,000 in transcript
and arbitration fees. But Chief Deziel said that although the matter
'will be time-consuming, it's worth it.'
--------------------------
TELEPHONE GADGET OFFERS A POLITE ESCAPE
by Anthony Ramirez, New York Times
To Miss Manners, also known as Judith Martin, call waiting is 'incredibly
rude.' To Letitia Baldridge, another etiquette expert, it is 'an
instrument of the Devil.' But to David H. Schmidt, budding entrepreneur,
it can be a polite way of easing out of a phone call that has dragged on
for too long. ...
Mr. Schmidt, 30 years old, has invented a fake call-waiting system that
gets talkative friends and family, and buttonholing telemarketers, to hang
up in deference to an ersatz incoming call. And Mr. Schmidt can wring this
advantage without call waiting's fees, which in Manhattan run $16 for
installation and $5.19 a month.
Mr. Schmidt's simple electronic device, which sells for $14.95,
simulates the brief interruption and click of the call-waiting signal.
The device is called Gotta Go. ...
Last summer, Mr. Schmidt was dating an extremely talkative woman. Mr.
Schmidt and his partner, David Whitlock, 34, worked from home while
setting up their consumer electronics company, Eclipse Products, now in
Darien, Conn. Mr. Schmidt had call waiting.
'She would call and go on and on about her nails, her trip to the
beauty parlor and things I just didn't want to hear about,' Mr. Schmidt
recalled. On one such occasion, though, another call came in,
triggering the call-waiting click. Mr. Schmidt's woman friend
immediately said, 'I know you're really busy, so I'll let you go.'
Mr. Schmidt, amused, told the next caller, an electrical engineering
consultant, what had happened. The engineer, equally amused, said call
waiting was easy to simulate and told him how. Mr. Schmidt then bought
a few electronics parts and built the prototype of Gotta Go.
So far, because Mr. Schmidt has not signed up any retailers for his
gadget, he has not sold many. For the moment, he is selling them
through a toll-free mail-order number: 1-800-247-2570.
And what about the woman friend who prompted the invention? Mr. Schmidt
sighed and said, 'She had to go.'
--------------------------
From: sybase!hildo@sun.com (Dave Hildebrandt)
When attempting to explain various operating systems,
I came up with the following metaphors into the Trek universe.
Explanations are given before the connection.
Everything thought out to the nth degree.
Steeped in arcane ritual.
+ BSD Unix, and the Vulcans
Does things the traditional, uncivilized way.
+ System V Unix, and the Klingon Empire
A combination of the above. An unstable mixture at best.
+ Sys V Rel 4, and the Federation
As powerful but strange. Very restrictive.
Requires a different mindset and a lot of formalism.
+ VMS, and the Romulans
Small, wily, mostly for profit. Lots of small
independent operators who occasionally gang up.
+ DOS, and the Ferengi
The following two non-operating system metaphors
also come to mind.
Your mind has already been assimilated.
+ Usenet, and the Borg
Judges you by the standards of three centuries ago.
Occasionally makes it hard to get work done.
+ George Bush, and Q
--------------------------
This was in Ann Landers in today's paper. I thought it was classic:
Dear Ann--
On April 30 of this year, the LA riots were in full swing.
I was with a couple of friends and we got carried away with
all the excitement. One guy suggested that we join the rest
of the crowd and loot a Korean dry cleaners.
The scene was incredible. There were about 20 people grabbing
as much stuff as they could before the store was set on fire.
That's when I saw this great leather coat hanging not two yards
from me. I went to grab it and at the very same moment, ``Wanda''
reached for it, too.
She was beautiful, and she really wanted that coat, so I made
her a deal. She could have it if she would let me take her to
dinner.
We hit it off right away and I knew that night we were perfect
for each other. We plan to be married next April.
The problem is this: Many out-of-town family members will want
to know how we met. Should we tell them the truth? Should we lie?
We aren't convicted criminals. We both work and have no police
records.
And her response:
Reply to "Pair steal more than each other's hearts":
What a charming way to meet people! Here I've been suggesting church
and temple affairs, volunteer groups and night school classes. You say
you have no criminal record? Too bad. You SHOULD, because what you
did was clearly criminal. Do you have any idea how hard those Koreans
worked to open their shops? Overnight, everything they had was gone,
thanks to animals like you. As for your question, sorry, pal, I'm
fresh out of cover stories.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COOL COOL COOL, c'est moi qui vous le dis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: what's the difference between an orange?
A: a motorcycle has no doors.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cela se passe dans un camp de concentration. Le docteur Mengele se promene en
cherchant des cobayes lorsqu'il apercoit une petite fille.
- Bonjour ma petite, quel age as-tu ?
- Je vais avoir sept ans demain.
Le docteur Mengele lui repond d'une voix doucereuse :
- Non, non.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ta mere en Oriente-Objet dans Cobol 85.
Ta mere, elle fait du stop sur les autoroutes de l'information.
Ta mere, elle raconte les blagues a Denisot.
Ta mere dans un Kinder surprise.
Ta mere, elle pete a table.
... et pour qu'on reagisse a mon message :
Ta mere, elle est fiere d'etre francaise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moise, Jesus et un vieil homme jouent au golf sur le parcours du Paradis. Ils
arrivent au seizieme trou, lequel comprend un petit lac juste devant le green.
Moise envoie sa balle.
Voyant qu'elle va retomber droit au milieu du lac, Moise etend les bras et le
lac s'ouvre en deux. La balle roule au fond du lac, arrive sur le green et
PAF, la sauterelle. Pardon, et finit en plein dans le trou. Les deux autres le
congratulent et Jesus s'apprete a jouer.
Il envoie sa balle, qui suit la meme trajectoire que celle de Moise. Jesus
reste nonchalamment appuye sur son club de golf, alors que la balle, au lieu
de s'enfoncer, roule sur les eaux, arrive sur le green et finit egalement sa
course en plein trou. Les deux autres le felicitent et le vieil homme envoie
sa balle, qui suit la meme trajectoire que les deux precedentes.
La balle s'enfonce dans l'eau, mais une loutre joueuse qui passait par la
s'amuse avec avant de se lasser, la laissant sur le bord du green. La, un
ecureuil, la confondant avec une noisette (mais alors une grosse!), la prend
et s'enfuit avec dans les arbres.
Moise et Jesus se bidonnent, mais un faucon surgit et attrape l'ecureuil,
qu'il emporte dans les airs.
Au moment ou le faucon passe au dessus du green, l'ecureuil lache la balle qui
va rebondir sur l'herbe et roule jusque dans le trou.
Alors Jesus se retourne vers le vieil homme et dit:
- Papa, si tu veux jouer, sois au moins fair-play!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE COMPREHENSIVE SHIT LIST
1. Ghost shit--the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit
in the toilet.
2. Clean shit--the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but
there
is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. Wet shit--the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels
unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin your pants with a stain.
4. Second Wave--It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your
pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.
5. Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit--the kind where you strain so much you
practically have a stroke.
6. Richard Simmons shit--you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
7. Lincoln Log shit--the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush
without
breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
8. Gassy shit--It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling.
9. Corn shit--self explanatory.
10. Gee-I-wish-I-could shit shit--the kind where you want to shit, but all
you
can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times.
11. Spinal tap shit--that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.
12. Wet cheek shit--(the power dump!) the kind that comes out of your butt
so fast your cheeks get splashed with water.
13. Liquid shit--the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.
14. Mexican food shit--it smells so bad the room must be condemned.
15. Upper class shit--the kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell.
16. Fisherman's bobber shit--the kind where you are in a public restroom,
there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two
times,
but several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the water line.
17. Ambush shit--the kind that never happens at home, but usually at a
party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart--just a
little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for
the
rest of the day.
18. Drunken shit--the kind you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of
the
toilet.
19. Champagne Shit--you're so constipated that by the time the cork blows,
a bubbly liquid streams from your ass.
20. Kling-On Shit--The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there
waiting on the edge.
21. Blow Out Shit--The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you
have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.
22. Exorcist Shit--The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of
your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See
Liquid Shit)
23. Peek-A-Boo Shit--It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes
back out, goes back in, etc.
24. Pregnancy Shit--The kind where you're really backed up and it makes
you grunt and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your crack
in
a child bearing fashion.(See Pop a Vein Shit, Spinal Tap Shit)
25. Rabbit Shit--It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it
about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point
from
boredom.
26. Alphabet Shit--It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and
when you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter
...?"
27. Feminist Shit--No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's
a man's fault.
28. Blowtorch Shit--Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that
it's flammable. (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy
food)
29. Dual Density Shit--The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks
to the bottom of the bowl.
30. Ribbon Shit--A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln
Log Shit but not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like
a
1 inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color.
31. The Public Shit--Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist
stench that embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public
restroom.
32. Little Boy Shit--Shit powerful enough to level a small city.
33. Flood Shit--You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and
ends up flooding your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving
you to clean up a brown, pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John
Mellencamp does a relief concert to help cleanup efforts)
34. Dream Shit--When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the
shit that you'll be dreaming about.
35. Concrete Shit--This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the
toilet in 14 days.
36. Surgery Shit--After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery
because your ass is torn apart so badly.
37. THE CROWD PLEASER - This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance
that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
38. THE MOOD ENHANCER- This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation,
thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
39. THE RITUAL- This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with the aid of a newspaper.
40. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT- A shit so noteworthy it should be
recorded for future generations.
41. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT - This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone
entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
42. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
43. THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
44. THE RANGER - A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to
engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
45. THE PHANTOM SHIT - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will
admit to putting it there.
46. THE BOMBSHELL- A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is
either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are
nowhere near shitting facilities.
47. THE OLYMPIC SHIT - This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of
any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to
the Drinker's Shit.
48. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" la langue c'est un nerf ou un muscle ? "
et la personne repondant evidemment "un muscle"
(ou alors c'est a desesperer...) retorquer par :
" on fait un bras de fer ? "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: : > I.B.M.: It Beats Macintosh
: I.B.M.: It's Better Manually. (This *IS* true!)
I.B.M. == Inferior But Marketable
== I've Been Moved (New Canaan, CT IBM thing)
== I've Been Mutilated
== Incredibly Ballistic Mutations
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
La scene est connue... une peripateticienne (ortho?) est en train de
se faire lapide... Jesus arrive (Jesus est arivee.. a chanter sur le
meme aire que Zorro) et dit a la foule tout en protegeant la
prositue... "que la femme qui n'ai jamais pechee lui lance la premiere
piere". A ce moment une enorme pierre arrive et fracasse la tete de la
peripathticienne... Jesus se retourne et dit:
"Maman, Y'a des jours tu me fout vraiment les boulles"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ta mere, elle s'epile avec Black&Decker.
Ta mere a moto dans Chips.
Ta mere elle compose pour 2-Unlimited.
Ta mere, ton pere, ta soeur, ton frere et ton cousin a "Une Famille en Or".
Ta mere elle dit merde a Canto.
Ta mere en Lada customizee.
Ta mere en cadeau dans Pif Gadget
Ta mere au Tour de France avec une casquette Ricard.
Ta mere avec un porte-cles Schtroumpf.
Ta mere elle joue au tennis avec une balle en mousse.
Ta mere, ton pere, tes freres et tes soeurs, Yohoo, si j'avais un
marteau. Ye, Ye, Ye - Ye.